Hang in There

The days are long and the nights are short and all I can do is worry about all that is ahead of me in this life. Worry about this and worry about that until I am curled up in a ball wondering what went wrong. Cannot seem to loosen up, despite my efforts, and I just cannot seem to shake this nervousness. It seems to me that this is all a product of thinking too much. The words of an old friend ring true right now, "Think, think, think...". I just have no clue what I should do. I study all day and all night long, taking pathetic little breaks here and there, but still this agony of pressure surges through my mind until there is no silence left....no peace. All the time I know things will get better. Not that that matters at all. Although things WILL undoubtedly get better, they still suck for the time being. After all, the status quo is everything...right? People will tell you to worry about today, but you cannot help but think about tomorrow while you live your life today. It is inevitable and we should plan ahead. The only thing is...planning ahead is getting me nowhere!

So I will sit in my room and study, barely having time to check my email, and I will sleep tight knowing that some day it will all cosmically fall into place. I will have my dream job, my house, all the "stuff" and hopefully at the core will be a happiness that up to this point, I have only dared to dream of. I can do it. The little engine that could is helping push me up the mountain and over the peak. I CAN DO IT. I can do it. I can fucking do it! I HAVE to do it, because if I cannot...I am not who I thought I was.

Matters of the Heart

There is not now, nor has there ever been, a recorded instance of forced love. You cannot make a person love you, no matter how hard you may try. You can also not help who you fall in love with. People will tell you, "Don't fall for him" or "She's no good for you" but at the end of the day, your heart will choose who you love and there is not one damn thing you can do about it.
Now, I have loved many. I have lost many. I have fallen in love with those I cannot have. I have been rejected. Dumped. Chased after. Harrassed. I have been through so many things in my love life to date. One thing stands out to me as I write this: "It is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all". If you begin to feel yourself falling for someone, is it better to just not talk to that person anymore, or attempt to keep the status quo? Do you smile like a mad woman every time they are around? Do you not look them in the eye? Do you invite them over only to be dissappointed when they bring their partner? <Sighs> People, I cannot answer these questions for myself OR for you. I have no clue what I am doing, but I feel myself doing it. It is a familiar feeling, although different each time. What I am waiting for is the one to hit it out of the park. The one that makes time stand still with a single kiss, makes the room spin with a touch of the hand.
Now, on one hand I could settle for whatever comes along because I am lonely,  but on the other hand, I could use this oppurtunity to realize that I will never be happy in love if I settle. For just as one cannot force love upon another, one can also not force happiness upon a life that is less than desired. The truth is, I have been lonely for so long, looking, searching for my soul mate, but some where along the way, I realized that when I am ready and he is ready, there he will be. Just waiting for me. Loving me. I tell you now that I simply cannot wait for this day to come...but I will. I will wait and I will dream.

careful what you wish for

I once used to walk in an overgrown field, where the trees grew tall and they barely looked real. It was quiet in these woods and I felt so small and I walked along with my head held high. When I heard a branch break or the chirp of a bird I would stop and watch to make sure I was alone. And my head held up, I'd walk proudly along, and I'd listen to the birds chirp a sweet song. An old beaten path would carry me home and I'd walk all alone down that long dusty road. When the woods thinned out I could almost see the sun, as it tried to reach down through the branches to the ground. If I'd hear a noise when I was near my house I would just stand still, just as quiet as a mouse. One dark day when I went into the woods, I was not all alone like I thought I was. Something evil crept up from behind me that day, and although I ran, I didn't get away. It grabbed at me and caught the corner of my coat, and although I fought, I didn't have a hope. For when an evil thing comes knocking at your door, you better stop and think twice what you need him for. You see I sold my soul just to be all alone, and when evil came to get me, there was nothing could be done.

Claybee Baybee

As I searched through my cell phone today I found a number of an old friend that I just could not bare to delete. When I lived in Pineland, Clay and William Dean were two of the best friends I had ever had. We laughed, we watched movies, we ate, we drank, we went for midnight rides to Wal-Mart in search of The Neverending story. It was always a joke who would pass out first, me or Clay. His laugh was contagious, his smile was like sunshine. He could play the guitar and sing and he was a talented, beautiful person whom I will never forget. Clay touched my life in so many ways and I could open up to him without fear of rejection or laughter from him. He was a shining star in this world whose light burnt out much to fast. Clay, I will always love you for the gifts you gave me: sweet memories I will take with me all the days of my life. Every now and then I feel the urge to send you a message to say hi and see how much further in life you are now. Those messages are no longer possible because you are gone forever. Rest in peace Claybee Baybee. I cherish you and miss you always.

love,
lizzy-loo

Oodles of noodles!

So I embarked on a new adventure today: homemade noodle making :) So my family has a tradition of homemade chicken noodle soup every year on Christmas Eve. This has always been my grandmother's job, but seeing as how she is getting older and her knees are not as they once were, she has decided to relinquish this task to another...a younger, stronger, inventive lady--ME! So my sister-in-law had said she would take on the taks, teasing me that I should do it because I do nothing, which simply is not true, because I clean up before and after each party. At any rate, she said she would make them and I decided to show her up since she thinks I am incapable of cooking...which I am not;) I do not choose to flaunt my cooking skills because that generally gives me more work to do, but now that Elise is gone, I feel the desire to step up to the plate and take over for dear old grammy and make the noodles mine...ALL MINE MUAHAHAHA! Hehe...on a more serious note, I am very nervous about these traditions being lost and am excited to taste my first batch of lovely yummy homemade ooey gooey goodness!! Hold on to your hats kids....this chicken noodle soup is gonna blow your lid :D